Poisoned by a Vaccine-- and Assaulted by a Turtle

Recently, this list has been making the rounds in anti-vaccine circles, as proof that vaccine-related deaths are real. ICD-9 and ICD-10 codes are part of a standardized system used to facilitate communication between medical experts, researchers, and insurance companies. Anti-vaxxers believe that, because they include poisoning by vaccines, that must mean that vaccine poisoning is a real and common thing.

At first glance, it certainly looks suspicious. Why would insurance companies even have the option of billing for vaccine poisoning, unless it's something that actually happens with some degree of regularity?

In short, the answer is that there are ICD-9 codes for everything. And I mean everything. Not only can you also find poisoning entries for every conceivable medical substance that exists, but the ICD-9 list, which has over 68,000 entries, also includes some pretty bizarre and even inconceivable injuries. Here are a few of my favorites from both ICD-9 and its follow-up version, ICD-10.

974.1: Poisoning by purine derivative diuretics including theobromine

 Literally, actually death by chocolate.

V91.07XA: Burn due to water skis on fire, initial encounter

Distinct from its counterpart entry for people who have had subsequent encounters with burning water skis.

T62.0X3: Toxic effects of ingested mushrooms, assault

Not just poisoning from mushrooms, but, y'know... those times when you're assaulted with mushrooms. Or by mushrooms. I'm not sure.

W59.22XD: Struck by a turtle, subsequent encounter

This person hasn't just been hit by a turtle-- not bitten, but struck by a turtle-- but it's happened more than once.

V97.33XD: Sucked into a jet engine, subsequent encounter

The only person in the world with worse luck than the victim of a serial attack-turtle... was apparently sucked into a jet engine and survived long enough to be sucked into another jet engine later on.

W55.29XA: Other contact with a cow, subsequent encounter

"Other" contact with a cow. My brain goes to some strange and disturbing places trying to imagine what gets this entry.

V00.01XD: Pedestrian on foot injured in collision with roller skater, subsequent encounter.

I hate it when I get hit by a roller skater more than once.

X52.XXXA: Prolonged stay in weightless environment.

Well, astronauts need medical care too, right?

V95.45: Spacecraft explosion injuring occupant

Because when a rocket ship explodes, the occupants are definitely going to survive long enough to be treated and billed for their injuries.

W22.0XD: Walked into a lamppost, subsequent encounter

Okay, guys, we all do things when we're drunk or texting, but I think this is something you get a pass for exactly one time. If you're having subsequent collisions with lamp posts, you need help.


Bottom line? Yes, there are insurance code entries for poisoning by vaccines. But that doesn't mean that vaccine poisoning is an epidemic, or even that it has necessarily ever happened. Unless you're also willing to use the ICD-9 and ICD-10 as evidence that our Reptilian Overlords are covering up an epidemic of turtle attacks, it's patently nonsense to use it as evidence of an epidemic of vaccine-related poisoning.

10 Strangest Medical Conspiracy Theories

Over half of Americans believe in medical conspiracy theories. Some are only a little strange. Others are outright bizarre.

Seven years ago, I was working at a heath food store and heavily pregnant with my first child, when I was approached by a regular customer. I knew she was eccentric-- she had thirteen children and was looking for fertility-boosting herbs so she could have more-- but I didn't know just how eccentric she was until she urged me to avoid having my child tested for PKU in the hospital.

"When they draw the blood, they don't actually test for diseases," she informed me quietly, "The nurses actually steal the blood and sell it to witches to use in spells."

I wasn't sure at first if she was joking.

"Newborn baby blood is very valuable on the black market," she added.

Well, I consented to having my kids' blood drawn by those evil witches at the hospital, yet, to date, neither of them have fallen victim to a mysterious curse.

That conspiracy theory is pretty far out there, but it's not too different from the many bizarre conspiracy theories you can find just by poking around on the internet for a few minutes. Here are some of the others I've encountered.

1. The Government is Hiding the Cure for Cancer

This one is everywhere. Over a third of people believe it. It's launched tens of thousands of articles, hundreds of websites, and dozens of books-- and it's no truer now than it was a hundred years ago, when it first popped up. You'd think that the cancer-related deaths of people who believed this conspiracy, such as The Cure for All Cancers author Hulda Clark , might be a red flag for these conspiracy theorists, but the belief persists.

2. "They" Are Lying About Ebola

There were a few dozen variations of this conspiracy theory. One of the more popular claims was that ebola is a manufactured virus deliberately given to people for "population control" or other purposes. The claims echo similar legends in the 1980s about HIV. Another common rumor was that ebola doesn't exist at all, or that the government was hiding a cure until it spread to the industrialized world. An unintentionally hilarious conspiracy theory even speculated that The Simpsons were in on it.

"Is there something we are not being told? Is it by pure chance & coincidence that the Simpsons would do predictive programming? There has been numerous predictions from The Simpsons which revealed futuristic events which came to pass. What of the Ebola recurrence in 2014? Is it planned or is it just by natural means? Ebola was not in the 90's, but it happened long ago in the mid 70's... But The Simpsons reveal in late 90's Ebola virus... Interesting right?" 

3.  Products You Use Every Day Contain Dead Babies

If you go to pretty much any anti-vaccine website, you'll encounter this one. Some writers go so far as to claim that pregnancies are aborted for the sole purpose of using the fetuses to manufacture food, cosmetics, and medicine, even though no pregnancy has ever been aborted for such purpose and no approved foods or vaccines have ever contained fetal cells. This conspiracy theory was so prevalent that it actually led to a lawmaker pushing to ban fetuses in food. Glad our tax dollars are going to such good use.

4. You're Full of Worms

Conspiracy theorists love to blame medical problems on parasites that "they" are trying to hide. The cult of parents who treat autism with bleach enemas claim that rope worms-- chunks of intestine that come out when they fill their kids with bleach-- are behind autism, even though there is no such parasite. Assorted quacks on the internet, from Natural News to Organic Olivia to Modern Alternative Mama, give all sorts of advice amounting to, "You're full of parasites and they're causing all of your diseases." The idea can be traced to Hulda Clark... you know, the one mentioned above, who thought all cancer was caused by worms and then died of cancer.

5. The Government's Hiding a Scary Skin Disease

Delusional parsitosis-- the delusional belief that you are infested with parasites that aren't there-- is a condition that may be as old as humanity itself. Sure enough, it's the reason behind medical conspiracy #4. But its newest form, dubbed Morgellons disease, is a bit less known. Natural News and other conspiracy theorist websites claim that the condition, which involves feeling like you're covered in bugs, scratching yourself up, and getting little fibers from Band-Aids, blankets, and clothing in the scratches, say that it's a parasitic infection caused by GMOs and chemtrails, and that the CDC was involved in a cover-up to conclude that it was psychological.

6. Antidepressants Are Designed to Make You a Mass Murderer

One common medical conspiracy posits that SSRIs are a "gateway drug" designed to turn patients into violent monsters, either as part of a depopulation measure or to somehow churn more profits for Big Pharma. The evidence they give is that some murderers were taking antidepressants. You'd think that with all that money and research, Big Pharma would have done a better job coming up with pills to create killers. More than one in ten Americans takes an antidepressant, yet very few of us end up committing mass murder.

7. Mental Illness Doesn't Exist and They're Trying to Poison You

The sad reality behind this is that mentally ill people are by far the most likely people to fall for conspiracy theories and by far the most likely to be harmed by them.Take, for example, this conspiracy theorist, who says that bipolar disorder isn't real and that it was invented to push drugs on children. Or this one, who says the same thing about oppositional defiant disorder. Or the hundreds who have said it about ADHD. Or this guy, who says that he is the messiah and that his diagnosis of schizophrenia is part of a conspiracy to hide that. Need I say more?

8. Jews Are Killing and Experimenting On You

I touched on this a bit in Antisemitism in the Anti-Vaccine Movement, but the conspiracy theory runs much deeper and wider than the anti-vax movement itself. For example, conspiracy theorists often claim that routine infant circumcision is part of a Jewish conspiracy (strange, since Judaism doesn't command circumcising anyone besides Jews). They often blame specific Jewish families, like the Rothschilds and Goldman-Sachs, for all the world's ails. Failing that, they'll point to the State of Israel. One prominent medical conspiracy theorist blames pretty much every possible conspiracy on Jews, who he says worship Satan, poison dissenters with odorless gas, and control the medical industry through "biomedical terrorism."

9. The World is Being Depopulated

Supposedly, we are all being subjected to a "slow kill" to depopulate the Earth. This involves a number of intricate and intertwined conspiracies, from chemicals dumped out of airplanes to fluoride in our drinking water to birth control in our food. Some go so far as to claim that "they" are putting chemicals in our food to make people gay, thereby limiting birth rates. You'd think that all the world's leading scientists working together could do a better job: birth rates continue to climb worldwide, with no sign of a population crash any time soon.

10. Everyone's Getting a Tracking Device
This one started circulating decades ago, when microchips and GPS first came into existence. It picked up even more steam when the Affordable Care Act rolled out, leading many people to accuse President Obama of mandating microscopic tracking devices on all American citizens. This led to reignited fears of immunization, with many anti-vaxxers claiming that flu shots contain GPS trackers also used in war and even secret mind-control computers. Don't worry, though: other conspiracy theorists have plenty of suggestions for nullifying the effects of these tiny computers.

Start Here.

7-Y.O.'s Parenting Book More Scientific Than Sears

Bill and Bob Sears-- father and son-- are the patron saints of today's crunchy parenting community. You can't swing a dead cat in a green mommy group without hitting a citation of Dr. Sears. It's convenient: when you want to say or believe something that contradicts medical consensus, it's nice to be able to have at least one doctor whose name you can whip out as evidence that someone has your back.

I've been there. I still vividly recall my embarrassment when I tried to cite Sears seven years ago and was quickly shut down by a pediatrician who told me he wasn't very smart and was out to make a profit by telling parents what they wanted to hear. I wouldn't have guessed that I would ever be on the other side of the fence. I definitely wouldn't have guessed that my daughter-- the unvaccinated, breastfed, all-organic baby on my hip-- would be.

Yet here she is. My seven-year-old wrote a parenting book more evidence-based and scientific than Sears. I didn't put her up to this. She did all of her research independently of me by reading parenting magazines, parenting books, and handouts she got at our health department and pediatrician's office. In fact, when I tried to get her to revise her page about sleep safety, she absolutely refused, telling me that it's her book and she's going to go with what the experts say. I cosleep with her baby brother, so reading about how he could "DIE" because of my decision was a little unnerving-- even though I know I weighed those risks against the risk I was taking by accidentally falling asleep with him in the rocking chair.

Here's what my daughter had to say.

Cover:

Being a Big Sister, Big Brother, Mommy, or Daddy

by: Vivian Russo

Table of Contents:

1. I'm going to teach you about...
2. How can we work together?
3. You should feed ___ to your baby
4. Where should my baby sleep?
5. When should I take my baby to the doctor?
6. What should I do if my baby has a diaper rash?
7. When should I feed my baby solids?
8. What should I be expecting?
9. How do I know when to feed my baby?
10. What can I do to help my baby's development?
11. How am I going to know when my baby will do what?
12. How do I show love to my baby?





Title Page:

Being a Big Brother, Big Sister, Mommy, or Daddy

by: Vivian Russo










I'm Going to Teach You About...

Hello, my name is Vivian! I am the author of this book that you're reading. I am 7 and I am going to teach you about being a parent or an older sibling! Also I am a big sister! My baby brother's name is Darwin! 

How Can We Work Together?

Working together is simple. All you have to do is think hard! My mommy, Juniper, has always thought of ways that I can help with Darwin! So has my Mer-Mer [other mommy], Meredith!

You Should Feed _____ to Your Baby

Babies under six months should have food that is mashed up and looks like apple-sauce but with a different color. Make sure that it is safe for your baby. To do this, use your memory. If your baby's pediatrician said your baby can have it, it is safe for your baby. So is it if there is a picture of something your baby can do on it. Some babies that are five months old can have apple-sauce.

Where Should My Baby Sleep?

The safest place for your baby to sleep is in a crib. It's not just that your baby has to be in a crib. The crib [should be] in the baby's parents' room. Here is why. If your baby does not sleep in your room, it will increase the risk of SIDS! Just like what would happen if you baby sleeps on his tummy! Now, why your baby shouldn't sleep in your bed: if your baby sleeps in your bed, you can roll over on him. In a crib, there is no one who can possibly roll over on the baby! Also there is nothing that can stop your baby from rolling off the bed. Newborn babies can DIE if they roll off the bed . In a baby's crib, if a baby rolls too far, they would just bonk their head a little. Also, never put blankets in a baby's crib, because they can get on their face, stop breathing, and DIE!

When Should I Take My Baby to the Doctor?

You should take your baby to the doctor when your baby has an appointment there, or is sick, or is hurt. Usually, when your baby has a doctor's appointment, it is because your baby needs a vaccination. Vaccinations prevent sicknesses and do not cause autism. In fact, my mommy didn't vaccinate me when I was a baby and yet I'm autistic! Also, if you hear that your baby is going to take a medicine that you don't want your baby to take, DON'T argue with the doctor! Ask questions instead.

What Should I Do If My Baby Has a Diaper Rash?

If your baby has a diaper rash, treat it with ointment. The best ointment is zinc-oxide ointment!

When Should I Feed My Baby Solids?

Once your baby's pediatrician says it is okay, your baby can have any food that it is able to bring to its mouth besides pecans, marshmallows, peanuts, and other things that are small or hard to chew.

What Should I be Expecting?

If you're pregnant with a baby, expect it to be like you: hungry a lot and hard to take care of.

How Should I Know When To Feed My Baby?

Newborn babies shake their heads and suck their thumbs when they are hungry. Other babies cry when they are hungry. Breast milk is best for babies. Formula is good, too. Don't give babies real milk!

What Can I Do To Help My Baby's Development?

Babies have good eyesight on things that are black-and-white. The book Look-Look is full of black and white things! Order it online to help with your baby's development.

How Do I Know When My Baby Will Do What?

Your baby's pediatrician will know, or you can contact Early Intervention to find out about it. All babies develop differently.

How Should I Show Love to My Baby?

Now that you have read my book, showing love to your baby is simple now that you know more about them!















Clearly, my seven-year-old has a firmer grasp on science than the leaders of the Cult of the Natural Mom. Here's what she got right that Bill and Bob Sears got wrong.

Introducing Solids: 

What my seven-year-old says: "If your baby's pediatrician said your baby can have it, it is safe for your baby. So is it if there is a picture of something your baby can do on it. Some babies that are five months old can have apple-sauce." [This refers to the labels on foods that say "supported sitter," "sitter," "crawler," or "toddler."] / "Once your baby's pediatrician says it is okay, your baby can have any food that it is able to bring to its mouth besides pecans, marshmallows, peanuts, and other things that are small or hard to chew."

What Dr. Sears says: "It's best to wait until at least six months to introduce solid food." / "By six to seven months of age, the intestines are mature and able to filter out more of the offending allergens. That's why it's particularly important to delay introducing solid foods if there is a family history of food allergy, especially to delay introducing foods to which other family members are allergic."

What the science says: Vivian is right. Sears is wrong. The AAP confirms it's okay to introduce solids foods, including highly allergenic foods, when the baby's pediatrician approves and when he has reached the necessary developmental milestones (which can happen for some babies at as early as four months of age). And the science shows that waiting too long for solids actually increases the risk of food allergies.

Safe Sleeping

What my seven-year-old says: "The safest place for your baby to sleep is in a crib. It's not just that your baby has to be in a crib. The crib [should be] in the baby's parents' room. Here is why. If your baby does not sleep in your room, it will increase the risk of SIDS! Just like what would happen if you baby sleeps on his tummy! Now, why your baby shouldn't sleep in your bed: if your baby sleeps in your bed, you can roll over on him. In a crib, there is no one who can possibly roll over on the baby! Also there is nothing that can stop your baby from rolling off the bed. Newborn babies can DIE if they roll off the bed . In a baby's crib, if a baby rolls too far, they would just bonk their head a little. Also, never put blankets in a baby's crib, because they can get on their face, stop breathing, and DIE!"

What Dr. Sears says: Sears claims that bed-sharing with a baby is actually safer than having a baby sleep in your room in a separate bed. He supports this claim by pointing out that all of his kids bed-shared and survived, and by collecting testimonials from parents who bed-share, whose babies aren't dead.

What the science says: Vivian is right. Sears is wrong. A massive study, the largest of its kind, examined rates of sleep-related death in babies across all different parenting styles and found that babies who bed-share have a higher rate not just of suffocation and overlaying, but also SIDS itself, compared to babies who sleep separately from their parents. This risk exists even when parents practice safer cosleeping. That's not exactly welcome news to me, since I bed-share with my son, but science is real whether I like it or not. That's why the American Academy of Pediatrics is clear on their sleep safety recommendations, which are identical to my daughter's. Room-share, but don't bed share, and put babies on their backs in a crib with no pillows or blankets.

Vaccines
What my seven-year-old says: "Vaccinations prevent sicknesses and do not cause autism. In fact, my mommy didn't vaccinate me when I was a baby and yet I'm autistic!"

What Dr. Sears says: "Some research shows that the measles virus in the MMR vaccine, which is given at age 1, may be one of the 'triggers' that begins the cascade of intestinal inflamation that leads to brain inflammation and autism. Honestly, I've read ALL the research, and both sides present good data and good arguments."

What the science says: Vivian is right. Sears is wrong. To date, there have been 118 studies-- 107 of them on this list-- proving that vaccines don't cause or 'trigger' autism. They are all much, much larger and more reliable than the single fraudulent study carried out by a rogue physician who is no longer permitted to practice medicine. Millions upon  millions upon millions of children have now been studied, and it is clear that vaccinated children do not have higher rates of autism. That's why it's the consensus of the American Academy of Pediatrics, the Centers for Disease Control, and every other major medical establishment in the industrialized world that vaccines do not cause autism.

Medication
What my seven-year-old says: "Also, if you hear that your baby is going to take a medicine that you don't want your baby to take, DON'T argue with the doctor! Ask questions instead."

What Dr. Sears says: "Try to avoid over-treating with unnecessary antibiotics [...] If the ear is not red or bulging and your child is acting fine, you may not need another course of antibiotics."

What the science says: Vivian is right. Sears is wrong. While increased antibiotic resistance is a serious consequence of the overuse of antibiotics-- something caused largely by the use of antibiotics in animal agriculture-- it is not a parent's place to decide when they are, or are not, necessary. The AAP advises doctors to be more judicious about when to prescribe antibiotics. It does not ask parents to make that call. If you're not a physician yourself, you are not in a position to "try to avoid over-treating." Ask questions if you're concerned. If your doctor thinks it's okay to forgo antibiotics, great. But don't make that call yourself.

Early Intervention
What my seven-year-old says: "Your baby's pediatrician will know, or you can contact Early Intervention to find out about it. All babies develop differently."

What Dr. Sears says: Sears's website has many articles about child development. Not a single one of them advises parents to talk to a pediatrician or Early Intervention about developmental delays.

What the science says: Vivian is right. Sears is wrong. Hands-down. The American Academy of Pediatrics, Zero to Three, and the CDC all strongly encourage regular developmental screening and early intervention for children who are not hitting developmental milestones on target. Science shows that there are essentially no drawbacks to early intervention: no side effects, no risks. Yet early intervention dramatically improves the wellbeing and learning of children with developmental differences. They speak, run, play, interact, and learn at a much, much faster pace and more completely than their similarly delayed peers who do not get EI.

Bonding
What my seven-year-old says: "Showing love to your baby is simple."

What Dr. Sears says: Well, there's an entire culture behind this one. Dr. Sears claims that his highly marketed form of parenting is the be-all, end-all of baby bonding. He warns against formula, cribs, strollers, and all those other tools for not-quite-so-perfect moms who don't necessarily want their children attached to them like limbs at all times.

What the science says: Vivian is right. Sears is wrong. there are as many ways to bond with babies as there are babies. Bonding is highly individual and varies based on the needs of the individual parent and the individual child. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents to bond through eye contact and loving touch, but emphasizes that babies with traumatic births and babies who can not be breastfed can still bond successfully.

This last part is what means the most to me, out of my daughter's entire masterpiece. When I had her, I honestly believed that, if I didn't do everything according to the rules prescribed by Sears, I would somehow not have the close bond with her that I desperately craved and wanted. As a result, I made myself sick and exhausted through years of unnecessary toil. I worsened my scoliosis-related back pain by wearing her for years. I gave myself premature osteoporosis by breastfeeding her for two-and-a-half years while battling an eating disorder. I went years without going out, or spending time with friends, or even remembering who I was outside of "Mama."

And it was all unnecessary. I don't regret bonding with my daughter, but when I had my son, I quickly learned that breastfeeding, baby-wearing, and immersive, all-consuming parenthood are not necessary-- or even always helpful-- for creating a strong bond between parent and child. In fact, my bond with my son was strengthened by the fact that I weaned him when it was medically necessary, that I sometimes leave him with babysitters when I need a break, and that I pee in peace without wearing him with me into the bathroom. I love him just as deeply and completely as his sister, because I bonded with him in the unique way that he and I both needed-- Sears be damned.

The Sears family isn't just sanctimonious. It's dangerous. They fuel the culture of women who forgo medically necessary medication so that they can breastfeed. Of moms who use the proven-dangerous alternative vaccine schedule recommended by Sears, unknowingly jeopardizing their children in the process. Of moms who make medical decisions that contradict the expertise of their pediatricians, because Sears told them that mom knows best.

My allegedly brain-damaged 7-year-old can tell the difference between Sears and science. Can you?

A Mommy-Blogger Is Not Your Doctor

About twice a week, I get emails from vaccine-hesitant parents who want advice about whether or not to immunize their children. Sometimes they're hesitant because their kids have had high fevers after vaccines before, or because they "know someone" whose child developed autism after immunization. Often, the parents contacting me are vaccine-hesitant simply because they (like me) got caught up in anti-vaccine subculture, and they're having trouble breaking away from herd mentality.

My answer is always the same: I'm happy to talk to you about my experience leaving the anti-vaccine movement and about how my children handled vaccines, but I am not a medical professional. I can't, and don't want to, give you advice about which medical treatments are best for your children. While I'm inclined to say, "Get your kids their shots, FFS," the fact is that I'm really not qualified to tell you what to do. You need to talk to your doctor.

This is not your pediatrician.

This brings to light something very disturbing that dominates mommy culture: parents who are much, much more willing to trust the advice of mommy-bloggers and Parents On The Internet™ over their own pediatricians. If you go to the webpage or discussion board of nearly any popular mommy-blogger like Modern Alternative Mama, you'll see plenty of people asking for medical advice. They ask for tips treating conditions as serious as pneumonia and MRSA at home and for assistance acting against medical advice by not vaccinating or refusing to supplement when their breastfed babies fail to thrive.

In almost all cases, the blogger will respond filling the role of a medical professional: giving medical advice that almost always contradicts the consensus of the scientific community. Just in the last few months on Modern Alternative Mama's Facebook page, the eponymous Alternative Mama gave advice telling someone at a high risk of skin cancer to eat coconut oil to prevent sunburns...

And advised a woman to continue starving her underweight baby who was losing weight...

And encouraged a woman to avoid evidence-based treatment for her daughter's severe, painful ear infection.

Modern Alternative Mama isn't a doctor. She's a blogger and a mother-- and a bad one, at that. When her baby broke his arm (suspicious, since babies don't break arms easily without abuse or neglect), she waited seven entire days before she took him to a doctor. That's child abuse, plain and simple. But I don't think that you should avoid her medical advice simply because she's a bad parent. I think you should avoid her medical advice because she is not your child's physician.

And neither am I. It is my job to write about the science and experiences of evidence-based living. Although I've ghostwritten for several pediatricians, including some big names, I have not spent a single day of my life in medical school, and that's why you will never see me tell you how to treat or care for your children. I might tell you what the AAP recommends. I might tell you my experiences. I might link you to a study or article. But I will never fill the role of your pediatrician, because that's not who I am. My job is as a writer, blogger, mother, and skeptic.

Mommy-bloggers are fallible human beings who make mistakes, and with the exception of a select few of us, we are not pediatricians and are not qualified to give medical advice for you or your kids. If you have a medical question, direct it to someone who is qualified to answer it. That means a licensed medical doctor, nurse practitioner, or physician's assistant-- not me, Modern Alternative Mama, hippiemom96 from the Mothering boards, a Facebook breastfeeding page, or an online anti-vaccine community. 

Green Pee and Depression- What Alt-Med Got Me

Guest Post by Anonymous I served in the U.S. Navy from 2002 to 2006. I saw no combat-- I was a radio operator on an aircraft carrier-- so I had no idea how hard it was going to be to transition out of the military. After a 14-month-long deployment, I was honorably discharged, and in my first year as a civilian, I ended up in an abusive relationship and suffering from a serious drug problem. I didn't know it at the time, but these problems were caused (and worsened) by serious mental illness that was completely untreated. Pulling myself up from rock bottom was hard and painful. After a night in jail my abusive relationship was over. After a week locked in my best friend's guest bedroom crying, sweating, and puking, my addiction to prescription drugs and crack cocaine was over. When I emerged-- weighing about 100 pounds and with a shaved head-- I set out to “fix” myself, but I had no idea where to begin. The anxiety and delusion caused by mental illness makes it easy to believe things that aren't true, especially when they're comforting and when you've been burned by "the establishment." My hippie friends told me all about remedies and therapies they'd read online, and I accepted them. They said that I was depressed, so I should take Saint John's wort. They said I was malnourished so I needed to eat all organic, raw foods. They said I was manic, so I needed to use lavender oil and drink 25 cups of tea a day. They said I had no enthusiasm, so I needed to learn yoga and meditation. They said I was in pain all the time, so I needed acupuncture and herbs. I spent so much time and money pursuing these treatments, and they didn't help at all. I was beginning to think that the feelings I was having, and my inability to function normally, must be my fault. Those feelings of self-blame spiraled out of control for years and grew worse and worse. When my grandmother passed away last Thanksgiving, I went to bed and did not get up for a month. I was enrolled in school, but I didn't care and instead of studying or doing homework, I would climb into bed and cry. I kept telling myself that the vitamins and herbs had to be working and that if they weren't, I was to blame. But instead of relief, they gave me bright-green urine and a horrible case of depression. My grades suffered and I lost many of the things I once loved and valued. Finally, one day, I realized it: something was wrong with me, and I needed to go to a doctor. I regret that it took me as long as it did, but when I went to the doctor, he finally gave me hope. He diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder and prescribed me Cymbalta, which I have been taking ever since. I started in cognitive-behavioral therapy. I threw out my herbs and potions. I started eating food that makes me happy, whether it's organic celery or a donut, and I don't feel guilty about it. I'm studying biology (thanks to this experience!) and I'm doing great. I have hobbies again. I get excited about things again. I finally have my life back thanks to evidence-based mental health care, and it pains me to think that I could have had this relief so much sooner if I'd just gone to a doctor instead of listening to my friends. If you are suffering, please seek treatment-- real treatment, not the kind that your friends suggest. You don't have to suffer anymore.

Extreme False Pregnancies- "I'm Three Years Pregnant With An Invisible Baby"

I know firsthand how heartbreaking false pregnancies are. After a loss in 2013, I continued having symptoms for three months afterward—amenorrhea, colostrum, nausea, weight gain, and even faint positive pregnancy tests. It wasn’t until a blood test found that the HCG levels were non-viable that my brain and body finally accepted that it was over, and the symptoms disappeared. False pregnancy feels real. I understand how jarring it is when your brain tells you that there is no baby, but your heart and body insist that there is.



So, when I saw a couple in a parenting group on Facebook saying that they were “certain” they were pregnant even though their tests were negative, I warmly explained that false pregnancy isn’t uncommon and that I wished them better luck next time. Then I heard them make some claims that were so outlandish that I prayed they were joking.


You see, they were “certain” that she was not just a little bit pregnant—they said she was full-term, and in early labor. They also said that they had never had a single positive pregnancy test and that all of the ultrasounds showed that her uterus was empty. They said that the mom-to-be had been having periods every 30-45 days. They said that the doctors and midwives they saw were “denying” the reality of their pregnancy. They posted photos of empty ultrasounds and negative pregnancy tests, swearing that they could see a full-term baby and a positive line on the tests. And here’s the kicker: they said that the baby was a miracle, since the father does not have testicles and can not possibly produce sperm.

This couple was deep in the throes of not just a false pregnancy, but a profound and disturbing psychotic delusion. The worst part is that they weren’t alone. I found an entire culture of medicine-denying, science-denying women and couples—all of them anticipating unassisted home births, since doctors are not to be trusted—who believe that they are experiencing pregnancies that are full-term and beyond, even though they have few or no signs of pregnancy and doctors tell them they are not pregnant. They call these “cryptic” pregnancies, which in mainstream medical language refers to pregnancies that the mother is unaware of. In this strange subculture's language, it means a pregnancy with absolutely no signs or symptoms except the mother’s psychic knowledge.



Self-proclaimed cryptic pregnancy expert Anne R. Wicks states that, “Many of the women experiencing cryptic or stealth pregnancies are highly aware, intuitive or psychic,” and says that actual false pregnancies are extremely rare and only “occasionally” psychological in origin, and that when they happen, it’s the body’s way of protecting against an abusive husband. Ms. Wicks insists that most people with pregnancy symptoms and no visible baby are actually pregnant with these magical “cryptic” fetuses. When they’re not born after weeks, months, years? Well, Wicks says, you can be pregnant with a cryptic baby for up to five years. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not pregnant just because you’ve been “pregnant” for years without peeing positive.



Wicks’ ideas about magical five-year gestations are far from uncommon, which is frightening. The Gilmour Foundation, which is run by another self-appointed expert in cryptic pregnancies, states that these hidden babies always take years to gestate: “You will be pregnant with a cryptic baby longer than 40 weeks. None of these babies have been born before 17 months and some have gone as long as three or four years.” And labor from a cryptic pregnancy, she says, “lasts for months” and is extremely painful, but you shouldn’t go to the hospital because those evil doctors and their evil science will tell you that it’s not real and will refer you for psychiatric treatment.


 With this kind of advice, it’s not surprising that cryptic pregnancy support groups are filled with women talking about being years into pregnancies that their doctors are denying the existence of. In one Facebook support group, which openly supports freebirth and condemns the “birth industry” and the use of, y’know, professional doctors and midwives, women share their stories and photos of their “baby bumps” that look suspiciously like good old-fashioned obesity.



 One woman in the group says that she is 85 weeks pregnant.

 Another says that she has been pregnant twenty times with babies that doctors could find no trace of.

The consensus seems to be that gaining weight or worsening posture are foolproof signs of pregnancy, even when the woman has been “pregnant” for a year and a half.

The Gilmour Foundation warns these women that they’re in for a world of stress and mistreatment if they seek medical attention:


“You will be told that the fetal movement you feel is gas, IBS, your bowels moving, your abs moving, worms, a parasite, cysts, fibroids, constipation, muscle spasms, the list goes on.


You will be diagnosed with IBS, gallbladder issues (they may even try to take it out), celiac disease, cysts, fibroids, UTIs (urinary tract infection),  a systemic infection, PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome),  pre-mature menopause,  menopause, peri-menopause, thyroid issues, and of coarse the famous “phantom pregnancy” this list goes on as well. They may even try to take out your ovaries and give you a total hysterectomy. 



 If you continue to push the issue with the same doctor or hospital, they will try to intervene and make you seek help from mental health professionals.  Women have been given “Interventions” by their Obstetricians and a Psychiatrists. 


 If you show them how your belly is growing, they will tell you that you are just fat and you need to stop eating gluten and sugar. 


 It will make no difference how you look or what you say, they will not believe you or help you as long as your blood tests are negative.  


 The people you know will not believe you and if they do, when you go over 42 weeks without delivering, they will stop. You have to be VERY careful about who you tell and how many people you tell. No one believes a pregnancy can go so long.



You will have to plan on delivering at home with out help. You can go to the ER when you do go into labor, but if you are not dilated enough to where they can see your baby in your cervix, they will do a pregnancy test, tell you that you are not pregnant, and send you home. This has happened often and this is why you MUST have a back up home birthing plan. You may not want to deliver at home, but you may not be given a choice.  DO NOT put yourself in a situation where you are turned away from the hospital and you have no information on unassisted delivery.  You MUST have a back up home birth plan. Please educate yourself as much as possible on unassisted delivery and home birth."

(Un)fortunately for these medical conspiracy theorists, there’s plenty of support to be found through the many informative mommybloggers who have shared their stories.


Crypticpregnancy.com collects the stories of the many women who are going through this, so they all know that they are not alone. Conspicuously absent from these collections are stories that end in births. 

So what happens when these women, years into their invisible pregnancies, don’t give birth? Well, that’s where my research turned from worrisome to deeply disturbing.

A  few women who believe in these magical invisible fetuses eventually realize that they were wrong and that there is no baby. The “pregnancy” blog of Becky Done, who was highly involved in the community and referenced often as a “real” cryptic pregnancy, eventually realized after a detailed abdominal CT Scan that she was suffering from a false pregnancy. She concluded her blog “amipregnantornot” with a heartbreaking, brave, and honest post that ends with a message for other women in her situation:


 “If you do find out that it is a false pregnancy, please know that we can recover from this. I have always relied on my logic and reason to guide me through life and even though my confidence is at an all time low and my grief is off the charts, my logic and reason tell me that help is available if I apply myself and that I will find love again if I prepare myself. With that in mind, I will sign off for now. I will write and update with anything significant, but I am going to focus on healing and moving forward with my life. I hope I have been some assistance to those of you going through this experience.”


Becky says that she is pursuing counseling and realizes that she still has a lot of life left, and although the grief is hard, she has accepted that her baby never existed. But many women’s stories don’t end so well. Theresa Porter, a clinical social worker, found at least 21 cases in the last 25 years of women in the U.S. who, in the throes of extreme false pregnancies, murdered moms-to-be in order to steal their unborn babies.


In the most famous case, Lisa M. Montgomery, a woman who was suffering from an “extreme pseudocyesis delusion” according to a neuropsychologist who treated her, strangled a pregnant mother and cut a premature baby from her womb. She is now on death row.


 Dozens of high-profile kidnap cases have involved women breaking into homes and even sneaking into hospitals in order to steal newborns from their mothers. Also often identified as part of “pregnancy fraud” on part of the mother, in many cases, such as that of Rayshaun parson, the kidnappers are sometimes themselves suffering under the delusion that they are pregnant, and seem to be to some degree unaware of their actions.



There’s a point to me bringing this disturbing trend to light. It’s not just to share something I stumbled upon in that weird part of the internet—it’s also to give an example of just how detached from reality people can become, particularly when encouraging each other in forums on the internet.

The web has become a breeding-ground for pockets of people who encourage each other’s shared delusions. I myself nearly got pulled into one of these pools when I first became a mother and believed the culture of “online mom friends” who told me, and each other, that vaccines caused autism, that fluoride was deadly, and that pediatricians are out to get rich by making kids sick. I denied science and evidence in favor of herd mentality and comforting lies. In that way, I’m not so different from the mothers who convince each other that they are five years into invisible pregnancies. I figured out my mistake. I hope that the rest of these women figure out theirs, before they or someone else become irreparably harmed.

5 Scariest Things I Saw Working at a Health Food Store

I worked in health food stores for two years. In many ways, it was good job. As someone who to this day adores healthy food and green living, my employee discount was by far the biggest perk. I was also good at what I did. I'm knowledgeable about alternative medicine (the good and the bad) and customers quickly learned that they could trust me to give them real, accurate, and safe information about the products we carried, even when that advice included, "I don't think you should buy this product," or, "You should talk to your doctor before taking this with your medication."

But in those two years, I saw some disturbing examples of people using "natural" remedies when they urgently needed professional medical attention. Our purpose at Back From Nature is to discuss and share the ways that blind adherence to "natural" living can be dangerous. Here are some examples of what I've seen firsthand.

The Man Who Burned His Nose Off

In Fall of 2007, I met an older man who my coworkers identified as a long-term regular. He was very fond of alternative medicine and had been using it to treat conditions himself for many years, and prided himself on not seeing or trusting doctors. When I met him, he had an open, cater-like wound on his nose, surrounded by patches of black.. He explained that he was using topical tinctures of bloodroot to treat what he believed was melanoma. He had read that bloodroot destroys cancer cells. Well, that's true, but what he either did not know or did not want to accept, was that it also destroys healthy tissue, as well. What he was doing wasn't much different than slowly scraping the cancer off himself and taking the rest of his nose, too.

Over time, the sore grew bigger, then vanished under a large bandage across his face. The last time I saw him, he told me that he had decided to see a doctor because his nose was "just about gone." He said that he probably should have seen a doctor a lot sooner. The expression on his wrinkled face, with the white bandage right across the center of it, was one of utter defeat and disappointment.

If Juice Could Kill

I live in North America and have the luxury of having never actually seen someone in-person who was in a state of absolute starvation-- except one. I was genuinely shocked when I saw her walk into the store. Her face was sunken; her eyes bulging and her cheekbones and collarbone jutting out like stones. She was a skeleton covered in flesh-toned shrinkwrap. I thought to myself that she was going to ask me to help her find alternative treatments for hyperthyroidism or cancer, but she didn't. She asked me for help finding blueberry juice.

As I took her to the other side of the store, trying not to stare impolitely, she casually told me about how she had been on a juice fast for six months and felt great and highly recommended it. "I've lost so much weight," she said. When I commented as politely as I could that it might be time to end her juice fast because they can sometimes spiral into eating disorders, she shook her head and said, "My doctor tried to convince me I have an eating disorder last time I went. So I stopped going-- you know how doctors are. They try to turn it into a disease when people start taking control of their own health."

The Government

"What do you have for dextox?" he asked, looking over his shoulder. He was in his late twenties, with wild eyes that looked sleep-deprived. I talked to him about some of our "cleansing" products-- the good ones, which were really just fiber and probiotics, and the bad ones, which contained dangerous laxatives and unstudied herbs. He explained that he needed a full-body cleanse to eliminate all the poison he had been forced to take in the previous week.

What poison?

"Well," he said, leaning close to give me the details, "I saw evidence that the government is killing injured veterans to avoid paying for their medical care. I've seen it with my own eyes. I tried to come forward, and of course no one listened to me, so the government paid a doctor to tell me I was schizophrenic. Then they gave me pill bottles that had poison in them and I would't take them so they put me in a mental hospital. Now I need to detox, because I had to take them for a few days so they would let me go."

Letting MRSA Breathe... All Over the Store

The customer was a younger guy with a boil on his hand the size of a golf ball. It was a throbbing, livid red, and parts of his hand were oozing pus. I could barely stomach the sight of it even before he said what it was.

"It's MRSA," he said, "And I need tea tree oil, white willow, garlic capsules, Himalayan sea salt, and echinacea."

I stifled a gag while I showed him the products he needed, cringing in horrror as he picked up products in the store with his diseased hand. As I accepted his money at the cash register, I told him to make sure he took whatever his doctor prescribed in addition to using the home remedies, and to think about keeping the wound covered.

He said (much to my relief) that he was taking his prescription drugs, too-- but that he wasn't going to cover the wound because it needed to breathe.

I have never in my life used as much Lysol as I did after he left.

A $219 Heart Attack

I never liked selling Hydroxycut Lean, although it was our best-selling weight loss product at one point, and although it was one of the few products I got a commission for selling. It was a combination of herbs, many of them un-researched or under-researched, and included hydroxycitric acid (which is associated with liver damage) and extremely high doses of caffeine, which can cause heart palpitations and anxiety.

I was alarmed when a middle-aged man came to the register with Hydroxycut Lean with synepherine and asked me if they were safe to take together. I told him, "Absolutely not," and explained that synepherine is a powerful stimulant nearly identical to ephedrine. He asked, "So if I have high blood pressure, I shouldn't take them together?"

"If you have high blood pressure, you shouldn't take them at all," I said, worrying that I was overstepping my bounds. I glanced at my boss, who was nodding in agreement. Still, the customer went through with the purchase. I was worried for him, but thought nothing of it until he came back to the store a few months later.

"You probably don't remember me," he said sheepishly, "But I was in the area and thought I'd come by. I was in here a while back getting some weight poss products. I had a heart attack a week later. You told me they weren't safe to take together and I took them anyway."

"Oh no!" I said, "I'm so glad that you're okay. Just so I know how to get the next person to listen to me, can you tell me why you went through with buying them when I told you I didn't think it was safe?"

"I guess I thought that because it was natural, that meant it was safe," he admitted with a regretful shrug.

That's really what almost everything that's dangerous about "natural" living boils down to: the assumption that what is natural is always preferable and safe. It's an assumption that can and does kill. There is nothing wrong with health food stores and there is nothing wrong with cautiously used complementary medicine and doctor-approved home remedies, but there is something very wrong with the culture that feeds health food stores and the attitudes of the people who use them in lieu of evidence-based medicine.

Be careful. Buy your vitamins and your organic food, but don't pay for them with your sanity, your health, or your life.

Juniper Russo on SBS Radio

Last month, I gave a radio interview for SBS in Sydney, Australia. It was during the onset of the Disneyland measles outbreak and another outbreak in Germany, both which had alarmed so many experts that they made news overseas. Parents and physicians worried that growing anti-vaccine rhetoric in their own communities could encourage widespread outbreaks of measles.

I was very pleased with the work of Lin Taylor, who is a journalist working hard to give accurate and timely information about news happening in Australia and all over the world. In the article and radio interview, she states,

"As a young mother, who fell pregnant at 20, Ms Russo said she was naïve and scared of the challenges ahead.

"I didn't know how to tell good information from bad information. So I got very easily misled by this subculture of natural parenting and I got swept into the fear – which is what led me to make those mistakes.

"I wanted to believe that children are completely safe without vaccines," the 27-year-old mother of two said. "I heard people saying that they were dangerous. It was very easy to mistake that for real science. It was really easy to fall into this trap of mass hysteria."

In February, an unvaccinated 18-month-old boy died from measles in Berlin, Germany. This was the first known fatality among more than 570 recorded measles cases in the German capital since October 2014. The resurgence of the preventable disease in Germany, as well as in parts of the United States, coincides with a movement among some parents to refuse to vaccinate their children.

The so-called anti-vaccination movement in which fears about potential side effects of vaccines, fuelled by now-debunked theories suggesting a link to autism, have led a small minority of parents to refuse to allow their children to be inoculated. "

Read the rest of the story here.

A Home Birth Midwife Killed My Child

Guest post by Bambi Chapman

On June 4th 2008, I awoke like any regular day. I was 36 weeks pregnant with my sixth child and looking forward to meeting the little person I had been carrying. Our home birth was planned and we were using the midwife I had previously hired. She was amazing and I had complete faith in my body and the process. There wasn’t an ounce of fear within me.

I did not anticipate that I would go into labor that day. I still had 25 days till my due date. My oldest child was born at exactly 36 weeks with a nuchal cord, which meant he was born blue and floppy, but with medical help, he did great. My midwife was completely fine with a slightly early delivery and I trusted her judgment. I went on with my day like usual, even taking my daughter to her ballet practice. I would stop and breathe, then go about everything. After going home, I spent the night going between my tub and birth ball.

In the middle of the night, I lay in the tub thinking "This hurts. I should just go to the hospital." I knew this meant I was getting closer. I was able to check and feel the dilation, which let me know that I was making improvement. Sometime after 3 am a.m. on the June 5th I woke up my husband because I no longer could labor alone. We called my midwife at 4:10 am to let her know she needed to come.

By 4:40 am the midwife had not arrived and I knew the birth was imminent. My husband panicked and called 911 because we were alone and he didn’t want to have to deliver our baby. Unfortunately for him, the moment he hung up with them, he had to deliver our daughter. Just moments later we had medics filing into our home. They weren’t educated on childbirth, so when they knew this was a planned home birth with a midwife, they decided to just wait on her.

At 5:45, nearly three hours after I had called, my midwife walked in the door. She briefly looked us over and advised against transport. As soon as she sent the medics on their way, she helped us out of the tub and into my bedroom. I was exhausted, having been awake for 26+ hours, and laboring for 18 of those. By this time, we had a few concerns about our daughter that she explained away, and all explanations were completely plausible. She said that Mary Beth was healthy, and we trusted that she was an expert.

Several hours later, my husband offered to let me nap while he took care of all the children. Our daughter needed some sunlight due to jaundice already showing up, so that was a great idea to me. This would be the last time that I would hold my living daughter. Just an hour after I lay down, my husband woke me up as he thought she had stopped breathing. I took her from him and she was lifeless. We had to call 911 again that day and do CPR on our brand new healthy baby.

As I saw the ambulance pull up, I ran her to the door and handed her to the medic. They had me put on shoes so I could go with her. Although the hospital was 10 minutes away, it seemed to take forever. The details are still fuzzy, but I remember bits and pieces. The most prominent memory that I have is “We’ve given her two shots of epinephrine and she’s not responding”. I was in disbelief because I thought I had done everything right and that she was healthy.

This being the death of a "healthy" baby, an investigation was opened. To our surprise, the detective shared the newborn exam form that our midwife had given him, which was not the same one we had. My husband was at the police department before her funeral because of this form. The detective called her on it, and so she created another one. The detective had everything in hand, so he knew where the inconsistencies were in her story.

Word was out within the midwifery community before our daughter was even buried, which led to the midwife waiting on our steps when we got home from the cemetery. She was angry that other midwives were discussing her potential negligence and the legalities that could ensue.

Four weeks later we received Mary Beth’s death certificate. One of the lines on this form is "Major Contributing Factor," which had been filled in with, "Home Birth." That was not the answer that I was anticipating. I had convinced myself that she had some kind of disease or congenital anomaly to where we weren’t even going to have more children. With that paper in hand, I called the medical examiner for answers. My midwife completely missed respiratory distress and had she realized this was the problem, our daughter could have received the medical care she needed and would have survived.

Our midwife found out that we had the death certificate, which led to multiple manipulative and panicked emails from her. She was kind enough to send prenatal records, which she had gone back and scribbled over my gestational ages to make it seem as though I was already 37 weeks and full term. We later learned that our daughter was not the first lost baby and has not been the last. The detective found an excerpt from an ebook in which our midwife bragged about the many ways in which she would not cooperate with law enforcement, impede investigations, and had walked away from a manslaughter charge. He labeled my daughter’s death a negligent homicide, but due to politics and legal matters, would not attempt to file charges.

Within six months of our daughter’s death, I had created enemies where friends once stood because I chose to stand up. Some women were angry enough that they took to harassment, stalking, threats, and slander in an attempt to silence me. I’ve been banned from many places because I have dared to speak up. Many have blamed me for her death because I should have been more educated, should have known something was wrong, and should have vetted my midwife better. The thing was that I trusted my midwife. She had glowing recommendations. She gave us all the right answers, and on top of already having had one homebirth with this midwife. I had been an avid homebirth supporter for almost 7 years before my daughter’s birth.

Mentally, I struggled with myself for several years. I attempted suicide shortly after her death. I had to get to where I swallowed back the guilt because I couldn’t handle it. It was just too much. As the slander, threats, harassment, and stalking came to a head, it brought back everything that I had dealt with. This time, I made the “Help me” phone call instead of doing anything. I know women want so badly to squash their vulnerabilities, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of a grieving mother. I didn’t ask for, nor did I want this.


I wanted a happy life with my family and that included my little girl.

This isn’t something you would wish on your worst enemy.



Note from Back From Nature:

We want to deeply thank Bambi for being brave enough to share her story. Discussing loss is extremely painful for all mothers, and after a death as traumatic as Mary Beth's, it's particularly amazing that her mother is selfless enough to speak up to prevent similar tragedies from befalling other families.

Bambi, Mary Beth's death was in no way your fault. It was the fault of an irresponsible practitioner who was fed and fueled by a dangerous subculture. We hope you continue to heal from your trauma and we wish you and your family happier days ahead. 

An Open Letter to Karla Gardner

Karla,

I know you loved your daughter. The pain you were in when she was dying was apparent with every word you posted. It unnerved me when I read about her tragic death. My youngest is only a couple of months younger than Thalia, and looks a bit like her, and when I saw her eyes I could think of nothing besides how I would feel if it were my own child. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling, and if there was anything I could do to bring your daughter back, I would do it. Mother to mother, I want you to know that I am truly, deeply sorry for your loss.

Your husband, Tyler Justin Gardner, was arrested on charges of battery and domestic violence in May of last year. I’ve been abused before. I know what it feels like. I can’t be sure of what convinced you to take your husband back when he was released from jail, but I can guess. You wanted to think that he could get better. That it wasn’t one-sided; you somehow provoked it. That it wouldn’t happen again, and that it certainly wouldn’t happen to your children. You felt guilty about your kids witnessing violence but the idea of raising them without a father—especially your youngest—was scary and inconceivable. And, really, you loved him. Drug addiction, violence, and questionable parenting aside, you really loved your husband.

Your daughter got her shots when she was eleven months old. Some of them were delayed—I know what that’s like, too, because I used to delay my kids’ shots. Vaccines are scary. You can’t go online without encountering horror stories of things going wrong. She had a fever that night and was fussy, but the next day, everything was back to normal. You went through a move and dealt with your daily life the same as always. The people caring for Thalia said she was well, and you were relieved, and the world moved on.

Then, at some point, your daughter was in your husband’s care, and the next thing you knew, she was in the hospital with opiates in her bloodstream and what the doctors later diagnosed as shaken baby syndrome. I won’t carry you back through what I’m sure was the most horrible day of your life. But you lost your baby. And every arrow was pointing to the idea that your husband was responsible. I can’t even conceive of how much that would hurt: not just losing your baby, but facing the distinct possibility that your husband is a murderer.

But, then, wait—your husband swears that the opiates in Thalia’s bloodstream were caused by naloxone (strange, since naloxone doesn’t cause a positive drug screen). Maybe the hospital was wrong, after all, right? And suddenly a bunch of friends online are telling you that they’ve heard of vaccines causing shaken baby syndrome. It doesn’t sound like it makes sense (because it doesn’t, and has been disproven by actual scientists) but in your grief and pain, you wanted to believe it.

After all, she did have her shots nine days before she died. And nine days is practically the same thing as eight days, which you might as well go ahead and call six days. And four vaccines is pretty much the same as six, which might as well be ten, and you’ll accept it when someone online tells you that it’s really twenty. Grieving minds don’t follow reason or logic. Plus, there are lots of parents who have been accused of shaken baby syndrome who say they didn’t do it. And your husband is a changed man, right? He’s different now. He couldn’t have done this. He loves you, and he loves your children, right?

And that’s what motivated you to support it when the internet collective co-opted your daughter’s death as a means of fueling their stance against vaccines, right?

Physicians are professionals. They don’t attend college, med school, and residency to do guesswork on Google about how to diagnose a dying child. They would diagnose her with shaken baby syndrome only if she had characteristic symptoms of SBS that could not otherwise be explained. And doctors don’t, despite claims to the contrary, receive kickbacks by giving vaccines. There isn’t a doctor in the world who would fabricate evidence of child abuse for no reason. And even if there was, the doctors, nurses, and paramedics who treated your daughter weren’t even the same ones who administered her vaccines. Why would they protect the career and reputation of the doctor who vaccinated Thalia? These questions are in your mind, but you’re pushing them back. You don’t have the answers and you’re afraid because part of you knows the answers aren’t there.

I understand how it happened. I really do. And, honestly, Karla, I think that pretty much anything someone says or does while grieving a child is excusable. I don’t blame you at all for supporting the people who say vaccines killed your daughter. But I do want you to one day realize that their motives are deadly, and that more innocent children will die if they use your daughter’s death as an excuse to not vaccinate their children.

You believe that, despite her diagnosis of shaken baby syndrome, your daughter’s death was actually caused by encephalitis. Did you know that the most common causes of encephalitis are vaccine-preventable illnesses like measles and Hib? Vaccines are extremely effective in preventing these conditions and we’ve seen a tremendous drop in death rates among babies by vaccinating them. Even considering the remote possibility that vaccines cause encephalitis, a reaction estimated in fewer than one in a million children, the most effective way to prevent encephalitis is still vaccination. Children can, will, and do die when their parents buy into fear-mongering and avoid immunization.

I think that the odds that you’ll react well to this open letter are even slimmer than the odds of a vaccine causing encephalitis, but I’m writing this because of the remote possibility that you might see it and redact your support of the people who are exploiting your daughter’s death to fit their agenda. You can save the lives of other children by accepting, as painful as it is, that someone shook your daughter to death.

You can go ahead. Yell at me, threaten me, tell me you hate me, call me a bad person, wish harm on my kids, correct my mistakes, insist that I’m wrong. Or don’t respond at all. You can say, or not say, whatever it is that you need. But I hope that part of me gets through to you, because children’s lives are at stake.

I sincerely wish you strength, healing, and safety during this difficult time. You’re stronger than you think.

Juniper Russo